Detroit Pistons schedule in 82 sentences

Wed. Oct. 27 at New Jersey 7:00 p.m.

Both teams are excited to open the season with a game they’re convinced they’ll win. -Dan Feldman

Fri. Oct. 29 Oklahoma City 8:00 p.m.

Sorry, but I think Oden-over-Durant will go down as a worse pick than Darko-over-Melo. -Patrick Hayes

Sat. Oct. 30 at Chicago 8:00 p.m.

With four years and 81 games left until his contract expires, don’t expect max effort from Carlos Boozer. -D.F.

Tue. Nov. 2 Boston 7:30 p.m.

I know it’s early in the season, but I would be willing to bet that at least one of the McGrady-Hamilton-Prince-Shaq-Jermaine O’Neil-KG group misses this game. -P.H.

Wed. Nov. 3 at Atlanta 7:00 p.m.

Joe Johnson and Richard Hamilton square off to prove the other is the league’s most-overpaid shooting guard. -D.F.

Fri. Nov. 5 Charlotte 7:30 p.m.

Larry Brown’s three PGs are D.J. Augustin, Sherron Collins and Shaun Livingston, which is great considering how much LB loves young PGs. -P.H.

Sun. Nov. 7 Golden State 6:00 p.m.

Greg Monroe said he doesn’t play with a chip on his shoulder, so this game has no significance. -D.F.

Tue. Nov. 9 at Portland 10:00 p.m.

Nicholas Batum will become a young, super-charged version Tayshaun Prince this season. -P.H.

Fri. Nov. 12 at L.A. Clippers 10:30 p.m.

How are the Pistons going to spend their two days off on the West Coast before this game? -D.F.

Sun. Nov. 14 at Sacramento 6:00 p.m.

Prediction: DeMarcus Cousins will play awesome, followed by MLive commenters saying, “Dumars is an idiot for not trading Jason Maxiell for him.” -P.H.

Mon. Nov. 15 at Golden State 10:30 p.m.

The Warriors become the first team the Pistons can scratch off the schedule – until June. -D.F.

Wed. Nov. 17 L.A. Lakers 7:30 p.m.

Greg Monroe will get tested against the best frontcourt in the NBA. -P.H.

Sun. Nov. 21 Washington 6:00 p.m.

Flip Saunders could be a great coach for John Wall in the short term. -D.F.

Tue. Nov. 23 at Dallas 8:30 p.m.

Tyson Chandler will play well and MLive commenters will say, “Dumars is an idiot for not trading Rip Hamilton for him.” -P.H.

Wed. Nov. 24 at Memphis 8:00 p.m.

I really like Xavier Henry’s game and look forward to watching him – if the Grizzlies sign him. -D.F.

Fri. Nov. 26 Milwaukee 7:30 p.m.

Prediction: After the Corey Maggette trade and Drew Gooden/John Salmons signings don’t work out so well, people will stop treating John Hammond like a genius. -P.H.

Sun. Nov. 28 New York 1:30 p.m.

Amar’e Stoudemire should be well rested if he observes the Sabbath the day prior. -D.F.

Tue. Nov. 30 at Orlando 7:00 p.m.

You know, even when they were terrible last season, the Pistons still inexplicably played Orlando pretty well. -P.H.

Wed. Dec. 1 at Miami 7:30 p.m.

I can’t see any reason to be intrigued by this game whatsoever. -D.F.

Fri. Dec. 3 Orlando 7:30 p.m.

Tight-shirt-loving Dwight Howard will say “forget the extra smalls” and just make the jump to youth-sized jerseys this season. -P.H.

Sun. Dec. 5 Cleveland 6:00 p.m.

I’m legitimately curious whether the Pistons or Cavaliers will be better this year. -D.F.

Tue. Dec. 7 at Houston 8:30 p.m.

Tracy McGrady’s return to Houston should be intriguing, because even if things didn’t end well there, it wasn’t his fault. -P.H.

Wed. Dec. 8 at New Orleans 8:00 p.m.

Happy seventh night of Channukah! -D.F.

Fri. Dec. 10 at Minnesota 8:00 p.m.

Darko, Kahn! -P.H.

Sat. Dec. 11 Toronto 7:30 p.m.

Could Richard Hamilton be auditioning for a trade to the Raptors this night? -D.F.

Tue. Dec. 14 Atlanta 7:30 p.m.

The Hawks fired Mike Woodson for not always getting through to his players, among other things, so it makes sense that they replaced him with a first-time coach from his own staff. -P.H.

Fri. Dec. 17 L.A. Clippers 7:30 p.m.

I liked the Clippers’ roster – then they hired Vinny Del Negro. -D.F.

Sun. Dec. 19 New Orleans 6:00 p.m.

Over/under on how many “Pistons should trade for Chris Paul” comments will show up in game threads all over the state is 425. -P.H.

Wed. Dec. 22 at Toronto 7:00 p.m.

I hope the Pistons use one of their five days off surrounding this game to enjoy the amazing internationalness of Toronto that endeared the city to Hedo Turkoglu. -D.F.

Sun. Dec. 26 Chicago 6:00 p.m.

The Pistons get a coveted day-after-Christmas game. -P.H.

Mon. Dec. 27 at Charlotte 7:00 p.m. NBA TV

Does it count as a nationally televised game if I don’t know anybody who gets the channel? -D.F.

Wed. Dec. 29 Boston 7:30 p.m.

Bets on whether Jermaine and Shaquille O’Neal will combine to average 15 points per game? -P.H.

Fri. Dec. 31 at Phoenix 9:00 p.m.

Being Canadian, will Steve Nash also celebrate New Year’s this night? -D.F.

Mon. Jan. 3 at Utah 9:00 p.m.

With Al Jefferson and Paul Milsap up front, the Pistons might actually have a height advantage in this game. -P.H.

Tue. Jan. 4 at L.A. Lakers 10:30 p.m.

Loss. -D.F.

Sat. Jan. 8 Philadelphia 7:30 p.m.

Prediction: Rip Hamilton will give Philly assistant Michael Curry an anti-shoutout before the game. -P.H.

Mon. Jan. 10 at Chicago 8:00 p.m.

Hopefully, Ben Gordon has hit his groove by this point and can make the Bulls regret letting him go. -D.F.

Wed. Jan. 12 Memphis 7:30 p.m.

Although the obvious choice for worst contract off the offseason is Joe Johnson, my underdog pick is Rudy Gay. -P.H.

Fri. Jan. 14 at Toronto 7:00 p.m.

I have run out of things to say about Pistons-Raptors matchups. -D.F.

Sat. Jan. 15 Sacramento 7:30 p.m.

OK, so the Pistons didn’t get Cousins, but how about trying to pry away Samuel Dalembert with Prince’s expiring contract? -P.H.

Mon. Jan. 17 Dallas 3:30 p.m.

I legitimately enjoy tying basketball with Martin Luther King Day and Fox Sports Detroit’s tasteful broadcasts. -D.F.

Wed. Jan. 19 at Boston 7:30 p.m.

I don’t know how Rajon Rondo is going to make it through this season with all of these old people without going crazy. -P.H.

Fri. Jan. 21 at New Jersey 7:00 p.m.

Hey, maybe Sebastian Pruiti will do an NBA Playbook post about the Pistons after watching this game. -D.F.

Sat. Jan. 22 Phoenix 7:30 p.m.

Guy who is going to have a breakout year: Hakim Warrick, whom Nash will make a poor man’s Amar’e Stoudemire. -P.H.

Mon. Jan. 24 at Orlando 7:00 p.m.

Third game in three cities in four nights + playing premier team = loss. -D.F.

Wed. Jan. 26 Denver 7:30 p.m.

Chauncey Billups and Arron Afflalo returning will cause a larger than normal number of “Dumars sucks” comments (PP commenter Laser nods head in anticipation). -P.H.

Fri. Jan. 28 at Miami 7:30 p.m.

Calling right now that the Pistons will win this game. -D.F.

Sun. Jan. 30 at New York 7:30 p.m.

I’m actually more intrigued by Anthony Randolph in Mike D’Antoni’s offense than Amar’e. -P.H.

Wed. Feb. 2 Charlotte 7:30 p.m.

The combined agony of the Pistons’ 6,000 wing players about being defended by Gerald Wallace and Stephen Jackson will be a league high. -D.F.

Fri. Feb. 4 New Jersey 7:30 p.m.

Nellie Ball guys all over the league (Randolph, Matt Barnes, Anthony Tolliver) will all help, but I love Anthony Morrow on the Nets. -P.H.

Sat. Feb. 5 at Milwaukee 8:30 p.m.

If you want to argue there was a free agent the Pistons should have, and could have signed, it’s Drew Gooden. -D.F.

Tue. Feb. 8 San Antonio 7:30 p.m.

We’ll know how well the season is going for the Pistons if Antonio McDyess gets a bigger ovation than anyone in the Pistons’ starting five. -P.H.

Wed. Feb. 9 at Cleveland 7:00 p.m.

When guys talk about not going pro early, spending a Wednesday night in Cleveland in February is usually their main reason. -D.F.

Fri. Feb. 11 Miami 7:30 p.m.

The Heat will be considering trading Chris Bosh by this point in the season. -P.H.

Sun. Feb. 13 Portland 6:00 p.m.

Could Chris Paul be a Trail Blazers by now? -D.F.

Mon. Feb. 14 Atlanta 7:30 p.m.

Bold prediction: The Hawks will not be a playoff team this year. -P.H.

Wed. Feb. 16 Indiana 7:30 p.m.

The Greg Monroe-Roy Hibbert Georgetown center matchup won’t resemble Patrick Ewing-Alonzo Mourning in the slightest, but because of lack of storylines, it will be mentioned leading up to, and after, the game. -D.F.

Tue. Feb. 22 Houston 7:30 p.m.

Bold Prediction part deux: The Rockets will be a playoff team, whether or not Yao is healthy. -P.H.

Wed. Feb. 23 at Indiana 7:00 p.m.

The Greg Monroe-Roy Hibbert Georgetown center matchup won’t resemble Patrick Ewing-Alonzo Mourning in the slightest, but because of lack of storylines, it will be mentioned leading up to, and after, the game. -D.F.

Fri. Feb. 25 at Philadelphia 7:00 p.m.

One day, Philadelphia is going to regret passing on DeMarcus Cousins the way the Pistons regret passing on Melo. -P.H.

Sat. Feb. 26 Utah 7:30 p.m.

Gordon Hayward will be the first of this year’s draft picks to be labeled a bust, and by this point, most will see why. -D.F.

Tue. Mar. 1 at Milwaukee 8:00 p.m.

Seriously, signing Drew Gooden long term is indefensible. -P.H.

Wed. Mar. 2 Minnesota 7:30 p.m.

Darko makes his triumphant return to The Palace as the Timberwolves’ third highest-paid player (Michael Beasley is No. 1!). -D.F.

Sun. Mar. 6 Washington 6:00 p.m.

I think the Wizards will be really fun to watch this year, and Gilbert Arenas will be the biggest redemption story of the season. -P.H.

Wed. Mar. 9 at San Antonio 8:30 p.m.

The Pistons were the Darko pick away from being the Spurs. -D.F.

Fri. Mar. 11 at Oklahoma City 8:00 p.m.

It seems like only yesterday the atmosphere at the Palace was fun like it is in OKC – actually, no, Detroit fans got pretty lame and bandwagony after 2003. -P.H.

Sat. Mar. 12 at Denver 9:00 p.m.

Before this game, I will likely bring up how badly I wanted to draft Ty Lawson over Austin Daye. -D.F.

Wed. Mar. 16 Toronto 7:30 p.m.

Bryan Colangelo should’ve got more heat for calling out Chris Bosh – not classy. -P.H.

Fri. Mar. 18 New York 7:30 p.m.

Prediction: Landry Fields or Andy Rautins will carry the Knicks to victory. -D.F.

Sun. Mar. 20 at Atlanta 2:00 p.m.

At least once, Josh Smith is going to threaten a quadruple-double this season. -P.H.

Wed. Mar. 23 Miami 7:30 p.m.

Will this game get more coverage as part of the chase for 72? -D.F.

Fri. Mar. 25 at Cleveland 7:30 p.m.

Is it a stretch to think Mo Williams will make the All-NBA Second Team? -P.H.

Sat. Mar. 26 Indiana 7:30 p.m.

This game is so jealous of the next one for being on ESPN. -D.F

Wed. Mar. 30 at Indiana 7:00 p.m. ESPN

I don’t understand how people can watch the Pacers on local TV, let alone national TV. -P.H.

Fri. Apr. 1 Chicago 7:30 p.m.

Hopefully, this game has real playoff implications, but that’s probably a dream. -D.F.

Sun. Apr. 3 at Boston 6:00 p.m.

This should be right in the midst of Boston actually trying hard in preparation for the playoffs. – P.H.

Tue. Apr. 5 at Washington 7:00 p.m.

By this point, Gilbert Arenas has probably undone any good Flip Saunders did for John Wall. -D.F

Wed. Apr. 6 New Jersey 7:30 p.m.

Remember when the Nets made a huge splash by signing Anthony Morrow, Travis Outlaw and Jordan Farmar? -P.H.

Fri. Apr. 8 Milwaukee 7:30 p.m.

If this game occurred one day earlier, the Pistons could avoid a Thursday-less regular season. -D.F

Sun. Apr. 10 at Charlotte 6:00 p.m.

Prediction: At least six players who weren’t on Charlotte’s roster to start the season will now be on it – that, or Larry Brown will be coaching at Chaminade or something. -P.H.

Mon. Apr. 11 Cleveland 7:30 p.m.

If we’re still happy the season is going at this point, I’d consider that a minor victory. -D.F

Wed. Apr. 13 at Philadelphia 8:00 p.m.

I was talking myself into liking Wes Johnson more than Evan Turner before the draft, but then I found out that David Kahn also liked Wes Johnson and I felt like an idiot. -P.H.